Happy Morning Condom Factory
by Draenog Glas
Summary: A fic where Peacock also claims she dislikes hipsters as much as nerds. To answer your question, yes I became insane. Follow this blog for more funny posts that actually aren't really funny at all and steals content from other users.


Peacock didn't know why she came to a coffee shop and wasn't sure at all if she even liked Starbucks, a corporate behemoth that treats every single individual as a flock of sheep that were willing to buy a seven dollar cup of coffee that tasted like steaming diabetic piss and often housed people who couldn't write their steampunk My Little Pony fanfics out of a single listening to a Wilco album, but I digress.

Nerds were the scum of society, she believed. Look at them, she said to herself, playing my game and drawing Filia's ass and calling each other homophobic slurs in Call of Doody. I can't even smoke a single cigar in this stinkin' joint, not even a joint (it was 4:20 everyone who is reading this fic should blaze up).

She went to Burning Man and derisively riled up hippies by eating a corn dog near a vegetarian vendor. They called her a bloodmouth and asked if there was any other kind.

As after all, mouths were made of blood and tissue and veins.

She pointed and screamed at nerds at Gamestops and ran before they could ever do anything to her. As much as she was an atheist herself who thought God was a fickle byproduct of people who had too much hope in their bodies full of shit and piss and wrote too much dark and depressing Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction and expect people to take them seriously, she also had a hobby of making Redditors irate when she claimed she was a Jehovah's Witness and would like a minute or two of their little internet time to talk to them about Jesus.

Starbucks were full of fat people with cheese in their beard and pretended that Dan Deacon's America was a good album.

She huffed and puffed a cigar despite the warnings from the staff of passing cancer to the patrons and it hung loosely from her metallic fangs. As George Orwell said, "Everyone needs a little bit of cancer in their body. I drink a cup of gasoline every day and I'm strong as an ox."

I am posting that quotation on Tumblr and making everyone believe me that George Orwell was that crazy and it was why he wrote Animal Farm.

She asked a man wearing a cardigan sweater and reading The Rum Diaries by Hunter S. Thompson if he ever listened to a band called The Swedish Monkeys Made Out of Meatballs that Mario (That guy from that videogame, not any ordinary guy named Mario) Eats.

"You're joking, right?"

Tapping the case of cigars on the counter absentmindedly. The staff still told her to not smoke her cigar indoors. She said it was a free country.

"I mean, are you really joking? Who would listen to such trash? I think they made a better album in 2002, but their latest piles of turds don't even classify as real music."

Her empty sockets narrowed. Smoke filled the room with a ghostly blue trace. She couldn't believe this chai latte lapping jackass.

"Have ya ever heard their one album, 'Why Do People Even Listen to Indie Music Anyways All It is Discorded Music and Shitty Voices and Shitty Instrument Playing My Dog Can Play a Better Guitar With His Asshole?'"

He was taken aback. How could anyone like such an album? Especially if it insulted his interests?

Yes, maybe a dog could fart on a microphone and still be a better singer than most indie artists, but he willingly put himself through such music cause it was the cool thing to do. He was cool. As cool as ice. As smooth as Vanilla Ice working with the Amish.

"That was their worst album! He even had a dog that tried to play the guitar with his ass! That was about the only notable performance. In fact, Pitchfork claimed if it wasn't for that, the album would absolutely get a 1 out of 5."

A wicked grin came across her face. The joke worked, and I'm almost done writing this fic because I'm a hack and can't even write more than 1,000 words or even write a slightly decent comedy piece.

The hazy silky smoke came from her lips, and she laughed and the staff urged her to leave the shop.

"I made 'em up! I made that band up! I can't believe you even admitted that you like a band that doesn't even exist! You're a tool! A cardigan Instagram-picture-taking-of-your-lattes joke! I should phone up ol' Holden Caulfield and he'll call ya a phony!"

She was banned from every single Stabucks across the country. She made several videos on Youtube explaining that the employees were wrong in doing so. She was constantly upvoted on Reddit for holding the reputation of being banned from so many coffeeshops and Subways for spreading her atheist beliefs when it was just cause she couldn't stand people who were fakers.

I think you're the fake hedgehog around here, reader. Comparing yourself to me? Ha! You're not even good enough to be my fake.


End file.
